Friday, December 4, 2009

Mahala's Winter Romance


While out Christmas shopping last weekend, I met the nicest man. We hit it off immediately, aside from the obvious age difference. I found myself wanting to spend every spare minute in his company. He dressed a little funny and had a weird laugh, but I thought I was in love. All he talked about was wanting to sneak in my house in the middle of the night, bringing me gifts.

What more could a girl want?

Nicky was secretive about his job, I thought he ran orphanage or something because he was always talking about the little people he surrounded himself with and making toys for all the children.

Santas lap

We had many long, intimate discussions until the wee hours of the morning, yet he still refused to tell me his real age. I also had to talk to him about his personal hygene.. the dude NEVER changed clothes, yet oddly always smelled of gingerbread and eggnog.

Maybe it was his aftershave.. I don't know.

I started getting suspicious, with all the secrecy surrounding Nicky, my new found love, but it was hard to stay focused on finding the truth when I remembered what he could do with that fluffy, white beard when the nights are cold and a body needs warming.

Nicky was a sex machine.

In the throws of passion he did get a little down and dirty. I guess he's one of those guys who's into calling names. The first time we did the nasty (he likes to call it "exchanging gifts") I was a little taken aback when, on the verge of.. ya know.. completion.. he started screaming "HO! HO! HO!"

I wasn't sure what to say, so I just answered with, "Dat's right, and you's my jolly old pimp daddy."

He gave me a really strange look when I said it.

Santas shop

Once the new wore off the relationship, I started taking all the secrecy more seriously. I channeled my inner Nancy Drew and began following him, leading me to a cute little house on a snow covered sim. I pushed the unlocked door open and walked inside, shocked by what I found.

A sweatshop operation full of children with pointy ears and strange clothes. Obviously they were the children of immigrants, being forced to work in return for smuggling their families into the country.

"Hellooo," I called, hellbent on wheels to rescue these poor babies from Nicky, who just the night before had rocked my world like no other.

"No time to talk, very busy. The boss will be back soon and the toys aren't ready!" answered the little guy in the yellow hat. He seemed frightened "the boss" would come back early and he'd be in trouble. I wondered what Nicky did to them when they didn't perform to his liking.

The wild eyed look in the little guy's eyes spoke volumes.

I had to find a phone to call the authorities, but up there in the boonies, there wasn't a cell signal. I wandered up the stairs, past the poor children, who'd been worked so hard in their short lives, they had the faces of little old men. No one tried to stop me as I headed for the stairs, everyone was working so hard, they were oblivious to my movements.

I climbed the old, creaky staircase, careful to be as quiet as I could. I could hear a fire crackling in the room ahead, meaning it was probably occupied. I rounded the corner and was nearly blinded by the green glow being cast by the walls.

So much GREEN. It would have made Martha Stewart break out in hives.

Santa and the Mrs

I stood, dumbfounded. Magic crayons were dancing over pages in the corner, the fire crackled and popped over the barely audible sound of Christmas caroles dancing on the breeze.

And there he was, napping in the corner, snoring loudly. I suddenly forgot the sweatshop and the strange little Type A children with the weird accents downstairs when I spotted...


And? Although she was snoozing too, I got the impression that she could TOTALLY kick my ass, so I contained my anger, turned around and quietly headed back down the steps.

Sometimes in life you just gotta pick your battles and I wasn't about to tangle with that rough lookin' chick.

I finally made it back to the cabin, put my feet up and shook my head over the whole thing. I eventually did call the authorities, but they just laughed at me. I needed to let it go, what I'd seen and more importantly how I'd fallen for old Nick.

But I'll always be a little turned on when I hear someone say, "HO HO HO."

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